Like any father, I’ve come up with a few bits of wisdom over the years that I often find myself sharing with my girls. One of my greatest joys is when I hear one of them repeat a bit of Dad-vice to one of their peers. It’s a bit less so when they chiding me with my own words. In the interest of documenting these things, and maybe even helping someone out along the way, I post them here in no particular order.
People, without exception, suck.
There’s a concept Christian theology it’s known as “the total depravity of man.” In short, it sates that no man is righteous, or has the capacity for righteousness. In the eyes of God, we are wholly depraved and can never be in His presence without the work of a Savoir- Jesus the Christ.
While that’s an effective, high-brow way to look at it, I find when dealing with the every-day world around us, it’s simpler to understand that “people, without exception, suck.” The most important part of this is the “without exception” bit- meaning that you, dear reader, do, in fact…suck. We spend decades teaching our children, not how to be “bad,” but how to be “good.” Bad is built right into us. When your friend says something hurtful to you; when the customer at the restaurant is rude; when your neighbor borrows your rake and never brings it back- they are simply living down to their own humanity.
Don’t be shocked when people do you wrong. It’s in our nature.
Don’t be shocked when you find yourself doing the thing you know you shouldn’t do. It’s in your nature.
Judge not others, nor yourself too harshly when the inevitable failures arise. People, without exception, suck.
Everyone is an idiot- sometimes it’s your turn.
Like the previous nugget, this one can help you keep perspective when things go wrong. Everyone is an idiot- sometimes it’s your turn, sometimes it’s someone else’s.
When you catch yourself doing something so unbelievably stupid that you’re embarrassed to even exist- relax, it’s just your turn.
When that guy in traffic is a complete bonehead and ends up risking your life along with his own, show him some grace. It’s just his turn, and when it’s your turn, you’ll hope he’s gracious with you.
Life isn’t fair.
You’d think this one is a no-brainer, but I’m often surprised by how many people struggle to comprehend it. There is nothing fair about life. We live in a broken world, poisoned by the Fall of Man and twisted by The Enemy in every conceivable way.
The good suffer.
The evil prosper.
Your sister gets a bigger scoop of ice cream than you.
Life is not fair.
Worse yet, our own definitions of fair are wildly broken. We generally think that “fair” means that we get all the good things we deserve and none of the bad. We want blessings and grace- not fairness.
Remember, you suck and are an idiot- do you really want what you deserve? Do you really want fairness? Unlikely.
So, rejoice that life isn’t fair, because you very likely have more blessings than you deserve and grace has been extended more often than you deserve.
Words have power- use them wisely.
Everyone knows the old platitude that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Everyone also knows that’s a steaming pile of bovine excrement. Words have power.
When God wanted to change someone’s life, he first changed their name- Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah, Saul became Paul, Simon became Peter.
God spoke the universe into existence.
We are not God, but we are created in His image, and he has given us the power of words.
Power Words
On the subject of words having power, in our household we don’t use the terms “swearing” or “cursing” or “cussing.” They’re power words. Every society sets aside a list of words that they give extra power. There’s nothing inherently wrong or evil about these words, but they are, in a sense consecrated. The F-bomb is still considered to be the Big Daddy of swear words in modern English, but it’s often so overused that it has no power.
We all know someone for whom conventional swear words have lost their power. For them “f–k” has the same power as “smurf” does to the little blue people. It’s adjective, noun, gerund, and filler-word all in one. They use it multiple times per sentence and it literally means nothing to them. It’s lots its power.
Where do these people go when they need a power word then? Ask Michael Richards.
When power words lose their power, we all lose something.
I’ve never punished my children for “cussing.” We simply have a discussion about whether or not that was an appropriate use of a Power Word. And, when I let one fly… everyone knows I mean business.
Speak Truth in Love
How often have you heard someone lash out with something mean-spirited or hurtful and when they’re called on it, they defend themselves with “Well, its’ true!!!”
Truth, in itself, isn’t always enough.
The guidelines I’ve given my children are as follows:
Is it True?
Is it Helpful”
Is it Appropriate to the situation?
If you can answer “yes” to all three of these, then let the hard truth fly! If not, keep your thoughts to yourself.
I’m 52 years old at the time of this writing, and I still struggle with the discipline of asking these three questions before I speak. Too often I let “Is it Funny?” be my guiding principle. Sometimes I’m an idiot.
Do hard things because they are hard.
When President Kennedy addressed the nation about his goal to put a man on the moon before the end of the 1960s, he said, “We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.”
There is value in doing hard things.
Entire generations have been crippled in the name of making things easy.
Life is hard. Don’t run from it. Don’t make it an excuse. Don’t fear it.
Persevere. You’ll be glad you did.
Instead of making a resolution each New Year, I pick a hard thing to be my goal for the year. Maybe I’ll learn to play a new instrument. Maybe I’ll educate myself in a new academic subject. Maybe I’ll learn a new language.
I intentionally pick things with a high likelihood of failure. I do hard things because they are hard, and I’m always better for it.
Failure is part of the success process
Too often we look at failure as if it were final. It rarely is. Thomas Edison once quipped, when asked about failing a thousand times to make a lightbulb, “I didn’t fail 1000 times. The lightbulb was an invention with 1000 steps.”
Failure is only final if you stop trying.
Ask questions.
Ignorance is simply not knowing a thing. Stupidity is holding onto ignorance.
It’s ok not to know something. There no shame in an honest question.
Just as we cannot succeed without first failing, we cannot learn unless we acknowledge our own ignorance. Freely admit your ignorance, while seeking to stamp it out as soon as possible.
We live in an amazing age where the sum of Human knowledge is at our fingertips. We can speak into the void (Ok Google; Hey, Siri; Alexa) and information is retrieved.
Ask questions.
Focus produces fruit
This one is pretty simple- what you pay attention to, grows.
Set goals, work toward them, revisit them often.
When you focus your time, energy, and attention, great things happen.
Look over your emotions, without overlooking them.
It’s important to be aware of what you’rer feeling, but it’s rarely a good idea to act on emotion alone.
Logic is a valuable guide, but without heart it can do more harm than good.
Develop the discipline of being in touch with what you feel, and how others may feel about a given course of action, but understand that it’s rarely best to be a slave to what you feel, even less so to what others feel.
The elevation of feelings above thought has led to the modern Cancel Culture, where the Offended is king.
Don’t overlook your emotions, but be able and willing to look over them when necessary.